I’ve figured out the real reason pregnant people waddle. Yeah, I know some have back problems and all that jazz, but I think the real reason is because you have to pee all of the time. You can kegel until you are blue in the face, but it doesn’t matter. You’ve got what, 6 pounds of baby and 4 pounds of ambotic fluid baring down on your poor little bladder. You are doing everything it takes to hold it in. And honestly, there is not a better feeling in the world than peeing itself. I know you think I’m gross, but when you can’t catch a buzz for 9 months, you have to start deriving pleasure from other places!!!!
This whole peeing subject brings me to a completely different topic instead, public bathrooms. How many times have you been to a public restroom and there is someone in the stall next to you talking on the phone? Are you serious? You’re conversation is so important that you can’t hang up for 2 minutes and do your business? I’m sorry, it’s gross. OK, so maybe you don’t care that the person on the other line can hear you drop your kids off at the pool, but did you ask them? I would think they would be highly offended. Even better, did you ask me? I don’t want you friend knowing about my bathroom business. What if I have to fart? Honestly, there is really no conversation in the world that is really that important unless you are a ER Doctor and you are talking an intern through an emergency tracheotomy or something. I am sure the person on the other line would be more than happy if you said, “hey, I need to use the restroom. Can I call you back in 3 minutes?” Yes, cell phones have made the world convenient but do they really need to be THAT convenient? Not to mention, just the whole holding something to your mouth while managing the wiping of your parts has to be some sort of biohazard. I think you get my drift.
I’m making a new line of bumper stickers, instead of the “HANG UP AND DRIVE”, “HANG UP AND PEE”.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Where is my bright side?
It's a fact, I am 25 weeks and 3 days pregnant. I believe it is high time that i start getting the perks of a pregnant woman! But alas, for some reason i don't look pregnant enough! I've decided it's my rather large chest area that is causing this problem, but still, I AM 25 WEEKS PREGNANT, that's over 6 MONTHS in non-pregnant woman talk. Unfortunately, an innocent bystander's eyes go directly to my chest and not the belly, male and female alike, but you would think they would notice the enormous bump growing merely centimeters below "the twins".
This past Friday i was standing in line for the bathroom at a concert. An old man with a walker strolls past 20 guys in line for the men's room and heads right in. This causes a little stir in both lines but the general consensus is he's old and has a walker, he's allowed. The woman behind me says "the only way we could do that is if we were pregnant." I turn around and say, "well, i am pregnant!" She then says, "really? I can't tell." ARE YOU KIDDING ME! By 4 months most preggos are getting to the front of the line in the bathroom and are not getting the harry eyeball when they go back for seconds at the all you can eat breakfast buffet. Hell, I still can't convince some of my employees that I am actually pregnant and not trying to play a joke on them. What in the heck does a girl have to do? I think i am going to start wearing insanely tight t-shirts that read "baby on board" or "baby mama" or "are you the daddy?" just so it's more obvious that that lump under my shirt is not belly fat, it is in fact a growing human being.
Granted I can't complain too much because as far as pregnancy goes (from what i hear) I have it easy. No morning sickness, no back pain, no over the top insanity (well, that would depend on who you ask), so all of my other pregnant friends would probably slap me if they read this (they are allowed, they have the some of symptoms above - God forbid i say all, because that could lead to a kick as well). Hell, i'm not even getting the crazy ex-boyfriend sex dreams that i was told about in book club. My dreams are still the same old thing; being chased by the mafia, forgetting my way around campus and missing all of my classes, being a secret spy, losing my homework, except now i'm pregnant in all of these scenarios. Do you know how hard it is to use your Uma Thurman "black mamba" ninja fighting skills when you are pregnant???
The fun things in life like sex, drugs, rock n' roll, aspartame, and deli meat are taken away from pregnant women for 9+ months, the least society can do is notice that I am in fact pregnant and just give me the option to cut in line for once, but no touching the belly!!!!
This past Friday i was standing in line for the bathroom at a concert. An old man with a walker strolls past 20 guys in line for the men's room and heads right in. This causes a little stir in both lines but the general consensus is he's old and has a walker, he's allowed. The woman behind me says "the only way we could do that is if we were pregnant." I turn around and say, "well, i am pregnant!" She then says, "really? I can't tell." ARE YOU KIDDING ME! By 4 months most preggos are getting to the front of the line in the bathroom and are not getting the harry eyeball when they go back for seconds at the all you can eat breakfast buffet. Hell, I still can't convince some of my employees that I am actually pregnant and not trying to play a joke on them. What in the heck does a girl have to do? I think i am going to start wearing insanely tight t-shirts that read "baby on board" or "baby mama" or "are you the daddy?" just so it's more obvious that that lump under my shirt is not belly fat, it is in fact a growing human being.
Granted I can't complain too much because as far as pregnancy goes (from what i hear) I have it easy. No morning sickness, no back pain, no over the top insanity (well, that would depend on who you ask), so all of my other pregnant friends would probably slap me if they read this (they are allowed, they have the some of symptoms above - God forbid i say all, because that could lead to a kick as well). Hell, i'm not even getting the crazy ex-boyfriend sex dreams that i was told about in book club. My dreams are still the same old thing; being chased by the mafia, forgetting my way around campus and missing all of my classes, being a secret spy, losing my homework, except now i'm pregnant in all of these scenarios. Do you know how hard it is to use your Uma Thurman "black mamba" ninja fighting skills when you are pregnant???
The fun things in life like sex, drugs, rock n' roll, aspartame, and deli meat are taken away from pregnant women for 9+ months, the least society can do is notice that I am in fact pregnant and just give me the option to cut in line for once, but no touching the belly!!!!
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Pregnancy Part One
It has recently come to my attention that once you are pregnant people forget that you are more than a container for a growing fetus. It is baffling. Conversations can only be about pregnancy and plans for the baby. God forbid we touch on real issues like global warming and swine flu. I would kill to talk about swine flu these days. Hell I would even get in a debate with Mitch over something absolutely mundane just to give my brain some mental exercise.
I guess the good thing is you can become completely stupid and out of touch with reality. All you have to do is answer the following questions:
How are you feeling?
Are you going to find out the sex?
Do you have names picked out?
When is your due date?
That's it. That's all it takes to be pregnant. Soon i am going to start wearing a plaque around my neck listing the answers to the questions above so I don't have to talk at all. I told my boss today that i enjoy coming to work even more than ever now because at least people will talk to me like a normal human being for 8 hours and not stare at me with a goofy grin and head tilt with the words "aaaawwwweeee, how sweet" oozing from their lips.
I am sure in a couple of months I will completely contradict myself, but as a pregnant person I think that is part of the norm! Heck, do you think it's too early to start parking in the "expecting mom" spot at the grocery store?????
I guess the good thing is you can become completely stupid and out of touch with reality. All you have to do is answer the following questions:
How are you feeling?
Are you going to find out the sex?
Do you have names picked out?
When is your due date?
That's it. That's all it takes to be pregnant. Soon i am going to start wearing a plaque around my neck listing the answers to the questions above so I don't have to talk at all. I told my boss today that i enjoy coming to work even more than ever now because at least people will talk to me like a normal human being for 8 hours and not stare at me with a goofy grin and head tilt with the words "aaaawwwweeee, how sweet" oozing from their lips.
I am sure in a couple of months I will completely contradict myself, but as a pregnant person I think that is part of the norm! Heck, do you think it's too early to start parking in the "expecting mom" spot at the grocery store?????
Friday, April 24, 2009
The Joys of Breaking the Law
Back in July, I was pulled over for a stop sign violation. According to the police officer on the day I received the ticket he felt that i did a California Rolling Stop instead of a complete stop. I remember the day well; Greg and I had just left the movie theatre after seeing The Dark Knight. We were in separate cars and he went straight down Mt. Vernon so i went right on Womack to see which was quicker. I pulled up to the Vermack / Womack intersection, stopped and continued through. As I hit the gas I see a police car sitting in the high school parking lot. He immediately pulls behind me so I immediately pull into the high school parking lot. (if you are wondering why I am giving you so much detail, keep reading.) We literally talk for 20 minutes about The Dark Knight and Heath Ledger's performance, he tells me that he doesn't feel like i stopped completely, we talk some more (I sense that he is fishing for a DUI instead of a stop sign violation), and then after a lull in the conversation he walks back to his car and writes me a ticket. Quit frankly i was shocked that he actually gave me a ticket in the first place.
Long story short, I end up in court yesterday to plead not guilty to my violation, hope it's reduced to a warning and continue on with my life. NOT SO FAST STEPHENIE.
We arrive at the courthouse and Officer Choi was no where to be seen. Good start. The judge starts the trials with all of the officers that are present. It's now 6:30pm and down to 5 of us. Guess who walks in the door, my boy Choi! The judge says, you are late he claims he's been in the court room next door. Now I'm at the podium with my right hand in the air. Officer Choi begins his statement and how the story has changed. I was FLOORED. I went from a California rolling stop to endangering the lives of Dunwoody citizens everywhere. I couldn't believe it. I was physically shaken. According to Choi boy, not only did I not stop for the stop sign, there was no way i could have made an emergency stop if another car was coming; plus he had to follow me down to another neighborhood to pull me over AND there was a High School football game letting out so there were people everywhere, plus a ton of foot traffic from people in the neighborhood walking their dogs. UM, HELLO, DUNWOODY HIGH SCHOOL DOESN'T HAVE A FOOTBALL STADIUM AND IT WAS 10:26PM ON A WEDNESDAY! Now i am really shaking and about to have a coronary.
I open my mouth to begin disputing all of this, but can't get any words out. My voice is cracking like a 12 year old boy and the adrenal is pumping so hard through my body that I can feel my heart beating out of my chest. All I mutter is, "no, you said i didn't stop long enough. I pulled right into the high school and we talked about Batman for 20 minutes." That is all I can muster up; NOTHING about the fact that Dunwoody doesn't have a Football stadium, that it had been raining all day so no one was out of the streets, I say, "we talked about Batman?" ugh, disaster. Next thing I know the judge is giving me a lecture about how I obviously don't know what it means to stop at a stop sign and followed by a physical demonstration about how my body should rock back in my seat to signify a complete stop. Got it, I know what a stop is; I took drivers ed in North Carolina (unlike the rest of you Georgia drivers), but of course very appreciative for the lesson. Then through the ringing in my ears I hear "this is what I am going to do for you, I am finding you Not Guilty but you are on probation". I whisper to myself, Not Guilty, OK, that is good, right, but what else did she say? My head is spinning, I'm staring a hole through Choi and trying to process what is going on. Probation? What? (By the way, the guy sitting next to me has 4 tickets and a warrant out and I am on probation.) So finally I snap to and try to comprehend my sentence. She says something about writing a letter to her and 2 hours, and stop signs, I'm nodding and yes ma'aming but still awe struck. What is going on? Finally I get it, I'm on probation until I complete my assignment. I have homework from court!!! Thank God I was a straight A student (in high school), I can handle homework. The judge gave me homework!
So folks, the bottom line is, my ass will be sitting at the corner of Womack and Vermack on Saturday for two hours counting the number of cars that come to a complete stop versus roll through the stop sign. Once all of my research is complete, I have to compile a letter to the judge with my findings and bring it to my probation officer on Monday. Wow. I am on probation. I can't believe it, I really can't. I was even arrested in college and was never on probation (nor convicted for that matter) and here I am in my 30's and on probation. I know one day I will laugh about this, but trust me that time is not here yet. Though, if you want to laugh, I totally understand. Heck, if you have time on Saturday drive through Dunwoody and heckle me! I'll be in my chair with my clipboard doing my time.
Thank you judge, I can do homework and I will give you 100%. Officer Choi, karma's a bitch.
Long story short, I end up in court yesterday to plead not guilty to my violation, hope it's reduced to a warning and continue on with my life. NOT SO FAST STEPHENIE.
We arrive at the courthouse and Officer Choi was no where to be seen. Good start. The judge starts the trials with all of the officers that are present. It's now 6:30pm and down to 5 of us. Guess who walks in the door, my boy Choi! The judge says, you are late he claims he's been in the court room next door. Now I'm at the podium with my right hand in the air. Officer Choi begins his statement and how the story has changed. I was FLOORED. I went from a California rolling stop to endangering the lives of Dunwoody citizens everywhere. I couldn't believe it. I was physically shaken. According to Choi boy, not only did I not stop for the stop sign, there was no way i could have made an emergency stop if another car was coming; plus he had to follow me down to another neighborhood to pull me over AND there was a High School football game letting out so there were people everywhere, plus a ton of foot traffic from people in the neighborhood walking their dogs. UM, HELLO, DUNWOODY HIGH SCHOOL DOESN'T HAVE A FOOTBALL STADIUM AND IT WAS 10:26PM ON A WEDNESDAY! Now i am really shaking and about to have a coronary.
I open my mouth to begin disputing all of this, but can't get any words out. My voice is cracking like a 12 year old boy and the adrenal is pumping so hard through my body that I can feel my heart beating out of my chest. All I mutter is, "no, you said i didn't stop long enough. I pulled right into the high school and we talked about Batman for 20 minutes." That is all I can muster up; NOTHING about the fact that Dunwoody doesn't have a Football stadium, that it had been raining all day so no one was out of the streets, I say, "we talked about Batman?" ugh, disaster. Next thing I know the judge is giving me a lecture about how I obviously don't know what it means to stop at a stop sign and followed by a physical demonstration about how my body should rock back in my seat to signify a complete stop. Got it, I know what a stop is; I took drivers ed in North Carolina (unlike the rest of you Georgia drivers), but of course very appreciative for the lesson. Then through the ringing in my ears I hear "this is what I am going to do for you, I am finding you Not Guilty but you are on probation". I whisper to myself, Not Guilty, OK, that is good, right, but what else did she say? My head is spinning, I'm staring a hole through Choi and trying to process what is going on. Probation? What? (By the way, the guy sitting next to me has 4 tickets and a warrant out and I am on probation.) So finally I snap to and try to comprehend my sentence. She says something about writing a letter to her and 2 hours, and stop signs, I'm nodding and yes ma'aming but still awe struck. What is going on? Finally I get it, I'm on probation until I complete my assignment. I have homework from court!!! Thank God I was a straight A student (in high school), I can handle homework. The judge gave me homework!
So folks, the bottom line is, my ass will be sitting at the corner of Womack and Vermack on Saturday for two hours counting the number of cars that come to a complete stop versus roll through the stop sign. Once all of my research is complete, I have to compile a letter to the judge with my findings and bring it to my probation officer on Monday. Wow. I am on probation. I can't believe it, I really can't. I was even arrested in college and was never on probation (nor convicted for that matter) and here I am in my 30's and on probation. I know one day I will laugh about this, but trust me that time is not here yet. Though, if you want to laugh, I totally understand. Heck, if you have time on Saturday drive through Dunwoody and heckle me! I'll be in my chair with my clipboard doing my time.
Thank you judge, I can do homework and I will give you 100%. Officer Choi, karma's a bitch.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
I feel like a virtual jukebox. I wake up each morning, give a good stretch and then start humming the new tune that has taken over my sleepy brain. I don't know if this has been happening all of my life, but i know it's been happening for the last 5 years. I first realized it when my husband told me he always wakes up with a new song in his head every morning. Maybe it was the power of suggestion that caused the same thing to happen to me????
I do love it though. Waking up with a song, how great is that? Even if the song is "Baby Got Back" - "my anaconda don't want none unless you got buns hun", it still gets me moving. The best is, i don't know where they come from but they skew 80's / 90's and cheesy. Just the other day it was "Morning Train", you know the song, "he works from 9 to 5 and then, he takes another home again, to find me waiting for him". But sometimes it's Hannah Montana (aka the cheesy), "You get the best of both worlds, pick it up take it slow then you rock out the show" (honestly, i doubt those are the right words, but close enough for me). Maybe a little Black Crowes, "she's got a lock of hair in her pocket". Regardless, I love it!
I really need to start making a list in the bathroom because unfortunately the song disappears shortly after i enter my closet. Maybe I could make a mini-fortune off my new "Songs of the Morning" CD collection. (please read in your favorite TV announcer voice) A 12 CD set for 12 easy payments of 19.95. It worked for Time Life, i think it could work for me.
I'll put you on a waiting list for my first release...
I do love it though. Waking up with a song, how great is that? Even if the song is "Baby Got Back" - "my anaconda don't want none unless you got buns hun", it still gets me moving. The best is, i don't know where they come from but they skew 80's / 90's and cheesy. Just the other day it was "Morning Train", you know the song, "he works from 9 to 5 and then, he takes another home again, to find me waiting for him". But sometimes it's Hannah Montana (aka the cheesy), "You get the best of both worlds, pick it up take it slow then you rock out the show" (honestly, i doubt those are the right words, but close enough for me). Maybe a little Black Crowes, "she's got a lock of hair in her pocket". Regardless, I love it!
I really need to start making a list in the bathroom because unfortunately the song disappears shortly after i enter my closet. Maybe I could make a mini-fortune off my new "Songs of the Morning" CD collection. (please read in your favorite TV announcer voice) A 12 CD set for 12 easy payments of 19.95. It worked for Time Life, i think it could work for me.
I'll put you on a waiting list for my first release...
Saturday, February 21, 2009
New Low on Facebook
First of all i need to apologize to my only fan (i love you JBW) for so much time between blogs. My boy Mitch let me know recently that blogging wasn't a priority for him, so we probably won't be hearing from him much in the future. Even though I am tempted to write an entire blog on the "priority" issue, I'm going to stop here for now. One more thing, Mitch what makes you think it's a priority for me? I do it because it's fun and funny and an outlet to say whatever i want to absolutely no one and everyone. Come on Mitch, is blogging a priority to anyone that isn't getting paid to do it? Maybe you need to blog a little more than you know it. Take the "I'm the most important busiest guy in the world" stick out of your ass and loosen up a little.
Whoa, sorry for the tangent, on to the real subject (but if i really think about it, aren't all my blogs just tangents????). Here it goes...
Facebook is changing the friendship world as we know it. We can all keep in touch more often with people we might not have wanted to remember and those that we do. We can find out what each other are up to without talking to each other face to face, ever. Did I really want to know that you are doing laundry or going to the gym, not really, BUT I CAN NOW and that's the point!!!! Personally, those who update with "Billy is at work" or "Mary is standing in line at the post office" should just join loopt and move on. I think status updates should show some personality. Nobody cares that you are at work or in traffic, or picking your nose. Now if you are at work and a giant meteor fell on your desk, that's worth reporting. And if your baby slept for 10 hours straight, that's good news, but tell us that your baby slept for 10 hours which means you got to drink a bottle of tequila and played naked twister with your husband. The point is, Make it interesting PLEASE.
I am a big fan of Facebook, and so far despite a couple of ignored friend requests (thanks Mike Shortino - I guess you still have your "Team Mehm" t-shirt from 1996), all has been smooth sailing. I have over 200 friends so i feel all special every time i log in; well, until i go check out my high school aged neighbor's page who has like 600 friends. (seriously, how in the hell do you know 600 people by the age of 15). My husband only has 141 friends, not that it's a competition or anything... OK, I'm losing the point here. Back on track Streph.
Due to my overwhelming number of connections, I find it hard to keep track of everyone I'm friends with. So needless to say if you have de-friended me, I probably haven't noticed UNTIL NOW (cue "stabbing music" from Psycho).
Before I get into this, lets back up a bit. About a year ago I reconnected with my high school boyfriend via the wonderful world of Facebook. We had a great time catching up and figuring out what has happened during our 12+ year gap. All was going well, we caught up on college life, post college life, marriage for me, a change of scenery to Pennsylvania and a stent in stand up comedy for him. We then just moved into talking about what was going on in the present and eventually just settled in to commenting on each others status from time to time. The whole "relationship" was right there for the world to see on Facebook. Harmless, Right? I think so. Next thing I know he meets a new girlfriend and DUMPS me. AGAIN. What the hell???? How can a guy who I'm not even involved with other than a few comments of a Facebook page dump me! He literally sent me an email letting me know that he was de-friending me because it was causing his new girlfriend anxiety.
For those who don't know me, I've been married for almost 8 years and love my husband very much, even when he is snoring at a deafening level from his side of the couch like he is doing now. I am in no way interested in a romantic relationship with anyone and especially not an ex from High School. And maybe I'm a rare species, but i don't see anything wrong with reconnecting with someone you spent so much time with in the past. What is the harm in that?
So Mr. High School ex-boyfriend, you need to listen up; if this girlfriend of yours is anxious about seeing my 10 word comments on your Facebook page, then I'm not the problem...
oh and side note, if you think you can de-friend me now because i said i hadn't noticed in the past, don't even think about it buster. You'll be my next subject. (cue suspense music from a film noir of your choice)
Whoa, sorry for the tangent, on to the real subject (but if i really think about it, aren't all my blogs just tangents????). Here it goes...
Facebook is changing the friendship world as we know it. We can all keep in touch more often with people we might not have wanted to remember and those that we do. We can find out what each other are up to without talking to each other face to face, ever. Did I really want to know that you are doing laundry or going to the gym, not really, BUT I CAN NOW and that's the point!!!! Personally, those who update with "Billy is at work" or "Mary is standing in line at the post office" should just join loopt and move on. I think status updates should show some personality. Nobody cares that you are at work or in traffic, or picking your nose. Now if you are at work and a giant meteor fell on your desk, that's worth reporting. And if your baby slept for 10 hours straight, that's good news, but tell us that your baby slept for 10 hours which means you got to drink a bottle of tequila and played naked twister with your husband. The point is, Make it interesting PLEASE.
I am a big fan of Facebook, and so far despite a couple of ignored friend requests (thanks Mike Shortino - I guess you still have your "Team Mehm" t-shirt from 1996), all has been smooth sailing. I have over 200 friends so i feel all special every time i log in; well, until i go check out my high school aged neighbor's page who has like 600 friends. (seriously, how in the hell do you know 600 people by the age of 15). My husband only has 141 friends, not that it's a competition or anything... OK, I'm losing the point here. Back on track Streph.
Due to my overwhelming number of connections, I find it hard to keep track of everyone I'm friends with. So needless to say if you have de-friended me, I probably haven't noticed UNTIL NOW (cue "stabbing music" from Psycho).
Before I get into this, lets back up a bit. About a year ago I reconnected with my high school boyfriend via the wonderful world of Facebook. We had a great time catching up and figuring out what has happened during our 12+ year gap. All was going well, we caught up on college life, post college life, marriage for me, a change of scenery to Pennsylvania and a stent in stand up comedy for him. We then just moved into talking about what was going on in the present and eventually just settled in to commenting on each others status from time to time. The whole "relationship" was right there for the world to see on Facebook. Harmless, Right? I think so. Next thing I know he meets a new girlfriend and DUMPS me. AGAIN. What the hell???? How can a guy who I'm not even involved with other than a few comments of a Facebook page dump me! He literally sent me an email letting me know that he was de-friending me because it was causing his new girlfriend anxiety.
For those who don't know me, I've been married for almost 8 years and love my husband very much, even when he is snoring at a deafening level from his side of the couch like he is doing now. I am in no way interested in a romantic relationship with anyone and especially not an ex from High School. And maybe I'm a rare species, but i don't see anything wrong with reconnecting with someone you spent so much time with in the past. What is the harm in that?
So Mr. High School ex-boyfriend, you need to listen up; if this girlfriend of yours is anxious about seeing my 10 word comments on your Facebook page, then I'm not the problem...
oh and side note, if you think you can de-friend me now because i said i hadn't noticed in the past, don't even think about it buster. You'll be my next subject. (cue suspense music from a film noir of your choice)
Sunday, January 11, 2009
One in the Same?
I've come to the concussion that Tiger Woods and Barrack Obama are the same person. Coincidence that Tiger took THIS season off??? Knee injury... i say Campaign Trail. Tiger wasn't rehabbing his knee, he was busy suiting up into his Obama costume and campaigning for President. I mean, he is too young to actually be President, so this would be his only way.
How did I come to my conclusion? I made my discovery watching the Barbara Walters special with President Elect Obama and his lovely wife Michelle. Their mannerisms are the exact same, their speech patterns identical, the way they use the word "look" to express a point. I mean, the similarity it is spooky. Then Obama gave that big toothy smile, and that is what sold it. They are the same person. And honestly, I'm OK with it. I think Tiger will make a fine President.
How did I come to my conclusion? I made my discovery watching the Barbara Walters special with President Elect Obama and his lovely wife Michelle. Their mannerisms are the exact same, their speech patterns identical, the way they use the word "look" to express a point. I mean, the similarity it is spooky. Then Obama gave that big toothy smile, and that is what sold it. They are the same person. And honestly, I'm OK with it. I think Tiger will make a fine President.
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